Embrace Yourself for Laughter

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I FOUND THIS GEM by T. Rainey and I pass it on for your laughter.

Embrace yourself for the impact.

“These are from a book called ‘Disorder in the Courts’ and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.”

Chlorine Odor – The HOUSE – 28

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I let him get in first, even though he held the door for me for a few seconds. “You know the way,” I said. He didn’t wait for me to tell him twice and walked in the kitchen.

“This is odd. I thought the new owner was updating at least the kitchen, but they changed nothing.” The man wasn’t disappointed. He went and opened the refrigerator. “Ha! See?” He showed me one of the shelves. “The stain from the bottom of grandma’s butter container is still here. Mom kept that thing forever.”

“It looks like the new owner treasures this house with a history.” I remembered the old looking bathroom I peeked into from the small window.

The outdated kitchen painted in white, with white cabinets and wooden countertops needed a big touch. A spider dropped into the sink from the ceiling. I didn’t scream, but I let Phillip go through the kitchen drawers and walked in a large living room. An odor of chlorine lingered in the air full of dust. The room was empty. I listened. Maybe the person who used the towel in the bathroom was still there. From the hall where I was I could hear Phillip gasping at some things he found. “I thought mom got rid of this, but no. She kept it.”

There were three bedrooms down the hall, and only the master bedroom had a bathroom of its own. The second bathroom was at the end of the hallway. That was the one I saw from outside.

For my surprise, the towel wasn’t there anymore. Nothing else has changed.

Then I realized the blinds covered the window I looked in from outside.

 

The Side Door – The HOUSE -27

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He went through his pocket and pulled up a bunch of keys. “Here it is. I’m sure mom’s old keys would work just fine.”

I followed him, biting in one of my nails. “Did your mom have a dog? A black dog?” I asked from behind. Phillip reached the front gate that was unlocked and stepped in the narrow yard. “No. Actually, we had a dog when I was little, but he passed away long ago. Why do you ask?” He jiggled the key in the keyhole. “This might take a little wile,” he continued not waiting for my answer. I was curious. “Why?”

But right that second, I heard the “click.”

“You did it,” I said ready to get in the house.

The man pushed the handle, but the door didn’t open.

“What’s wrong with it?” He leaned his shoulder into the door to force it. In vain.

“Maybe it didn’t unlock properly,” I suggested. That idea only made things worst. I heard Phillip curse. “Don’t tell me how to unlock my own door.” When he looked at me, I saw he was sorry for the burst of anger. “Forgive me, I shouldn’t take this on you.”

“It’s all right.”

I let him deal with the door and walked to the back of the house. There was a lot of old stuff and construction items pilled on top of each other, chairs, shelves, timber and I managed to make my way alongside the wall. There was a side door I’ve never seen before because of the heap of stuff. I tried it. It was locked.

Phillip was still trying to figure it out why the front door wouldn’t open, even though it was unlocked.

“Maybe something inside it’s blocking it,” I said coming closer. “Hey, listen, do you happen to have a key for the side door?”

My neighbor gave up on his project and walked by me to the door I was talking about.

“I don’t have the key, but I know where to find it.”

He stretched his arm to get his hand in the gutter on top of the door. “We kept this door locked all the time. Here is the key.”

The key was covered in rust. “It will be a miracle if this would work,” I commented. Phillip didn’t mind my words. He started whistling, as the door cracked with a sound.

“What were you saying, Sophie?”